Angry Blog post

I’m dis regulated. My head is swimming. I feel my blood pressure rising and my energy simultaneously expanding in the room and draining the life out of me at the same time. I just want to slam the door to my office, and not come out again. Just live in this tiny room in our home and stew.

I think I am doing okay most days. And I’ll probably write a post about that. But right now I’m angry. I’m stuck in the justice or lack there of…He just shared how he’s going to start doing something I’ve asked him to do with me for months. But he just had a realization that his team would benefit from him doing this thing. That felt like an immediate punch to the gut. I shared how I felt and his reply was that I was right to the feel that way, and he will make an effort to do the thing too, he just needs to motivate himself to get up and do it.

Cool thanks.

I’m going to keep this blog, keep this record of where I am and how I am doing. I have to remind myself of the truths. And what is not truth.

We’ve been great as of late. He’s in recovery- doing the actual work. 90 meetings in 90 days, working with a CSAT as of this week. Two workgroups, one on porn addiction, one on saving your marriage. He’s in support groups and texts regularly with members in his sex and porn addiction anonymous group members. Has a sponsor. He holds space for me when I am not in a good place. He is doing everything anyone can ask of someone in this situation.

I am not. I have attended a few meetings. I have read some books, watched some podcasts, and I’m on a list for a csat. I have purchased notebooks with the intent of writing, and I have written pages upon pages in my head.

But here’s where I will write going forward. Here is where I will share. My head is still swimming. I’m going to focus my breathing. And write down what I know is true.